Over the next several days, I’m going to be moving old posts from my blogspot to here, so bear with me in regards to the date distortions on ‘em. Still tryna figure out which blogging platform makes more sense for me. Your patience and understanding is much appreciated.
In the meantime, here’s a wicked-ass caterpillar.
I’m not one for cutesy-wootsy business or “aww” videos so I was apprehensive to post this…
…but a child does get harmed , so I guess it’s pretty acceptable to post:
(For real, though, that is one of the most charming and hilarious short snippets I’ve caught in awhile - I keep looking back at it. Come for the kid’s fall, stay for the hilarity that a news organization actually nationally aired his shame.)
Trolling Facebook’s Most Beautiful Teen Contest (or How I Successfully Secured a Very Special Spot in Hell)
So for those of you that are living UNDER A ROCK - or have a functional, enriching life outside of teenagers’ social media feeds - Facebook is throwing the “Most Beautiful Teen Contest”, which I was told started as an outlet for people who had body issues to post pictures of themselves, and admit that even though they weren’t as traditionally attractive as their peers, that they could still respect themselves, and saw could confidently say that they were “beautiful.”
It was really a touching thought, and a wonderful gesture.
But of course, ugly kids couldn’t have their own thing, so within hours it was flooded with cleavage-toting teenage girls self-shooting pictures to rake in comments, likes, and friend requests from strangers (the numbers of which directly correlate to one’s self worth). It went from an expression in self-respect to an exercise in self delusion very, very fast.
It really disgusted me to see the sincere posts of average-appearing persons garner zero-to-detrimental attention (getting their comments flooded with “fag” comments and jibes about their odds at winning), while the deluge of confident, attractive young men and women - many of which who are no certainly longer teenagers - piled on likes and friend requests from all manner of 30+ year old men.
But what happens when you win? It’s not like you’re getting a modeling gig. I guess it’s a title at most - and try sneaking in the fact that you won “Facebook’s Most Beautiful Teen Contest” at parties without looking like the world’s biggest douchebag. It’s literally impossible.
Anyways, in response to my disgust, I do what any young white guy does when they’re disgruntled on the internet- I trolled, trolled, trolled! Unfortunately, a lot of folk deleted the bulk of my comments when I went back to screenshot them, but a few do remain. Here they are below, evidence in court for why I am not a functioning member of society.
Enjoy… my art.
(Edit, Disclaimer 1: I am in no way better than these guys; one peek at any of my pictures before 2009 will blatantly show my disturbing and all-encompassing obsession towards my “internet popularity.” Let’s just say that I have a lot of experience with camera timers. *Shudders*)
(Edit, Disclaimer 2: Hilarious enough, the likes on my comments are almost always from the people whose pictures I’m commenting on - so most of them are pretty awesome for having a sense of humor about the whole thing. So, in fact, I was probably way more obnoxious at their age than any of the young men and women below. Except for the dude that’s like 28, what the fuck is that about?)
When I arrived, my work was definitely cut out for me. But I tried to not take the easy way out.
It’s worth noting that one of those likes is from the shirtless-camo-collard-shirt-guy himself.
Some people didn’t even fit the criteria.
Some people obviously got used some illegal performance-enhancing supplements and softwares.
Some were paragons of masculinity…
…others weren’t. This one actually got me some backlash. Look below.
And the guy whose name’s in red is my friend Sam doing his own alternative brand of trolling. Pink girl totally got me though :((((
After awhile I began seeing patterns…
…and I began sparking revolutions. Worth noting: for about 15 comments after that, people discussed nothing but the wallpaper.
And eventually, I learned what “beauty” really meant all along.
There ya have it - my foray into the dark (but shallow) depths of teenage facebookery. I came out the other end a little worn for wear… but I think I learned an important lesson: whether conventionally attractive or not, all teenagers are huge tools- and you were one, too (and God knows I was… let’s just be thankful that Myspace still isn’t around). And y’know… something about that connection between teens the world over truly is, well, beautiful.
Hey guys, sorry for the lag in posts - the combination of pulling out my right wrist’s tendons and having personal health issues of a family member to attend to mean that each post will take a helluva long time to write through a wrist brace, and that I haven’t had that much time to even give to the cause. I recently got some ergonomic writing equipment like the middle aged secretary I am, so I oughta be able to get something meaty out by the end of this week. Thanks for your patience!
In the meantime, here’s a sweet mind game to play with your friends: MSPaint Hella Funtime Adventure Friends! Click here to see it full-size on another site (it’s a mighty big picture).
And if anyone’s up to argue choices, do it in the comments! I’m personally sayin’ Kazoo and Archie, but feel free to convince me of otherwise.
Most folk who know me know that I love internet videos. Anyone who knows me more specifically knows I love TED Talks - an online theatrical conference regarding Technology, Entertainment, and Design. Anyone who knows I love TED Talks knows that I love the wacky, ambiguous, overly-philosophical ones. To a point.
This is one of the good ones! ”Questions No One Knows the Answers To” is a lovely summary of our cluelessness to the boundaries of the world and dimensions we inhabit. It’s beautiful and brief, at 12 minutes, and is about the length of a Spongebob episode (but nowhere near as enlightening, I’m sure). Enjoy!
Before the iconic phrase was bastardized by sorority t-shirts, it started off as something subtle and earnest, in a time when simply carrying on was something rather difficult to do. Learn about its creation and resurgence here: